A BROKEN RAINBOW KINDA BLUES

         

                                                                 

"These tears do me good, they have watered the parched places, perhaps my heart will grow there again."

Broken glass

Broken jaw

Broken screams

Broken dreams of drowning her denial

in the streams of blood sliding down

to the memories of her child.

Broken.

Like her skin

hiding within the bumps and bruises

of his fist that begins to attach 

itself to the unknown parts she fights so hard to rip apart

Broken trust

Protected from the thrust of undeserving lovers

who lie in wait to conquer her broken love

she recreates as the fruit of her womb

A prepared tomb of skeletons and bones

that are being dismissed as love jones

while tapping her arm to feel that first hit

of the love she once knew.

It's clear to me where her love lies

It's inside of painful scratches on the face she sees when she looks at me,

gnawing her way through my body to set herself free 

I'm shattered now

but I am often found using her tears as glue

to put myself back together again.

She's calm now

Rocking herself to sleep by the sounds of my cries 

as I die outside of her window

She's asleep now

Dreaming of a time when her broken pieces became wings

As she soars high enough to reach God's ears,

She whispers to him about a time when she 

promised to give me the moon

So that I could see her reflection

As a warning to never be broken.

-Courtney CM

It is said that when a rainbow appears while the sun is breaking through dispersing storm clouds, it acts as a reassuring bridge between the physical and spiritual realms, reminding us of the promise that the personal struggles we experience are passing and better days are ahead. 

The glory and peacefulness of the rainbow that appears after the storm mirrors the array of beauty of God upon his throne. On this throne, I bow my head. From his throne, he made an unbreakable promise to me:

"Even after the darkest storms, my light leading to your new beginning will always emerge."

His light led me to see the place where my healed mother lives...

Me standing in my childhood home

212 North Rankin Street was where I was raised to sacrifice my own needs to keep the peace and feel responsible for everyone else's feelings. I was rewarded with a confused belief that I must earn love because I will never be good enough each time I witnessed my dad reward my mom with pain, regardless of how "good" she thought she was to him. I grew up with a scar that made it difficult for me to say no and  caused me to over-give in my romantic and professional relationships. I was forced to accept the truth that my mom created for me because my truth didn't matter. Because my truth felt like an attack. I attracted other emotionally unavailable lovers who broke my heart because they couldn't interpret my love as the precious gift it was.  212 North Rankin Street was where my mother gave me her wounds.

Let me say this first...

The "Mother Wound" is not  always about having a bad mother. A mother wound often forms because a mother was heavily burdened by intergenerational trauma, lacked emotional maturity and tools needed to provide emotional support, and was restricted by societal roles, often times within her community.  When healing made me aware of this wound, I had to stop blaming her and realize that she was a victim as well. Her "mother wound" impacted my development.

His light led me to the place where my healed mother lived...

"And she, the new mother of a daughter, felt a fierceness come over her that seized at her heart, that made her feel as if her bones were turned to steel, as if she could turn herself into a weapon to keep this daughter of hers from having to be hurt by the world outside the ring of her arms."

-Lauren Groff

December 18, 2006 was the day my healed mother and I were born. Hold on, let me break it down for you baby...

When I gave birth to my daughter, I gave birth to myself. The mother of my daughter is the mother I desperately needed. I came to realize that I was mothering myself while mothering my daughter. My daughter became my healer. My daughter was the mirror I needed in order to see my healed mother: ME!

Let me share something with you.  I think my daughter was in elementary school when this happened. Anyway, for whatever reason, I was feeling down. She must have felt something was wrong because she came into my bedroom, sat down beside me, placed her hand on my back, rubbed it softly while singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. This was a song I used to sing to her because it gave her comfort and she wanted to sing it to me to give me comfort. Growing up, I had to comfort myself. I had to make myself feel better, to cheer myself up. So, when my daughter blessed me with her love, I didn't realize it then but I do now. She became the mother to me that I was to her. She became the rainbow that God promised me.

I am still healing from my "Mother Wound." I still find myself getting triggered sometimes, but healing caused me to give myself permission to grieve the nurturing and loving attachment I missed as a child. I surrendered to the process and allowed that connection to be cut. My tears cleansed away those remaining pieces and are still in the process of closing the wound that is bleeding to make me whole. I had to learn how to validate my own emotions, set healthy boundaries to protect my peace, and practice showing myself love and compassion by practicing meditation. Meditation created a safe space for me to be vulnerable, to spend time with God and pour out my heart. To be still and silent to hear God's guidance. To feel his holy spirit surrounding my heart with love.

My affirmation:

I am not afraid to use my voice to speak my truth.

I am continuing the promise I made to love my truth. To wrap my arms around her. To feel her touch because I finally see her worth. I can now hear her calling out for me. Being without her was breaking my heart. I gave the credit that she deserved to others. I gave my love to other people instead of her. My truth fell into the wrong hands and now I see this as being the cause of my heartbreak. I walked away from her as if she was the problem, but I was the problem all along. I hid her and locked her away for people who aren't qualified to walk where she's been. They weren't qualified to handle her at full strength. One glance from her makes them afraid because her smile flashes images of their own secrets. I wasn't immune. I abandoned her. The one person who loved me like a consuming fire that was supposed to protect me from harm. To keep me safe and securely hidden in the shadow of her embrace. But I left the love of my life for crap that should have been flushed down the toilet. But you know what? After all I put her through, she came back to me. She made love to me and we climaxed together in all of our glory. She erupted inside of me like a hurricane and shattered who I was pretending to be. She resurrected me as the woman I was supposed to be. I made a vow to never hide from her again. 

May my affirmation become your affirmation. Reclaim your voice by speaking your truth. Healing takes a lifetime so be kind to yourself. You are not just healing your broken pieces, but pieces that were thrown at you as well. Our rainbow may be a little broken, but our beautiful glory still shines. My rainbow didn't erase the storm. It reminded me that beauty can still exist because of it.

This rainbow appeared after I cried and prayed to God to help ease my broken heart caused by my "Mother Wound"



I love you. Talk to you in the next post!
Love always,
Courtney CM (Lyric)

WILL YOU BE MY SUNFLOWER Kinda Blues

               

                                                                          

Even In The Dark, You're My Light

When the sky is bright and the sun is high,

We lift our heads to the open sky.

We drink the gold and we soak the warm,

Untouched, untamed by a single storm.

But the world turns, and the daylight dies

And shadows bleed through the velvet skies

When the sun retreats and the cold winds blow,

And the brilliant colors begin to go

We do not wither, and we do not part-

We turn to each other with a beating heart.

While others wither in the fading light,

We seek the warmth of our own shared night

With no sun above, and the heavens stark,

We become the beacons in the dark.

So I give you two, so you always know;

We need no sunshine to help us grow.

When the world gets heavy and the way is unclear,

I will always turn to have you near.

Let the daylight fade, let the skies turn gray-

We'll find in each other the break of day.

Through the longest night and the coldest fight,

Even in the dark, you are my light.

-A Sunflower

It is often said that during the day, when the sun shines bright, sunflowers instinctively turn their faces to meet the sun's warmth. They follow its movements across the sky like a lover chasing after it for just one more kiss...then another...and another, soaking up each one.

But...

As the night fades and the sun gives them its last kiss goodbye before disappearing behind the moon, something beautiful happens. The sunflowers don't wither or close in sadness. Instead, in the quiet embrace of the night, they slowly and softly turn to face each other. Why? Because they find light in one another. They align themselves to their shared presence, finding warmth and safety in each other's embrace.

This quiet embrace of turning towards each other provides a quiet sanctuary that shields them from external chaos, yielding to the power of understanding and validation of their own feelings without relying on others. Making it safe enough to maintain a strong sense of self in the absence of the sun. You see, the sun is the physical manifestation of God's spirit. Its rays provide the sunflower light, strength, and comfort. When the sun disappears, the sunflowers become each other's "sun".  

This morning, I woke up to gray skies. Not just the clouds in the sky but my spirit felt heavy…

I couldn’t find my sun. I misplaced it. I felt like it was forever lost. I opened my blinds to see where it was but I couldn’t see her. I couldn’t feel her. So I went to the one place I knew she would be. I placed my favorite tapestry on the floor in  our favorite spot. I lit our favorite incense and as the rose scented smoke rose up into the darkness of the room, I collapsed down on my knees, closed my eyes and cried out to the one place she always runs to: Heaven…

She was in the loving embrace of our loving father. Sitting patiently by his side until he makes sure it is safe for her to come back out. But I needed her now. Not when dawn comes. I cried and I cried…and cried some more. I didn’t have the words to say, but I allowed my tears to speak for me.The tears gently slid down my cheeks, comforting me…helping me to remember how warm she felt.  As I continued to cry out in prayer, I suddenly saw her glow swallowing up the darkness behind my closed eyes. She came back to me.  God’s spirit came back to me. 

You know what’s funny?! 

I knew the sun never leaves the sky. I knew this already. She just retreats to be comforted, loved, cherished, and strengthened, and empowered  by her Creator. Then, when her power is made whole, she returns back to her throne to gently shine the healing power of God’s spirit all over my body…

To give me the same gift that God gave her. She became my sunflower. I became your sunflower. You became our sunflower. God may have gifted her to the world but you know what else? He gifted us, as in you and I, to each other. To gently face each other. To come home to each other, safe from the darkness of the world. To hold each other as we both breathe in God’s light, love, and strength to fight the darkness that surrounds us. We are a living manifestation of the promises he whispered as his spirit traveled throughout the earth creating every mountain, river, and valley. He whispered our names in the roots of each tree, so the memories of us bloom. That’s what I see when I look into your eyes. I see the prayers I whispered. I see love, strength, grace…power. I see God in you. I see a sanctuary to run to when the world beats me down. I see love in its purest form. I see a heart that longs to feel its own embrace because it sacrifices it for others. Just wanting to feel the love back that it gives. I can be this for you and so much more. So will you be my sunflower?

I know you are going through so much right now. I also know how hard it is for you to pray for your sun to shine. Just remember “the spirit also joins in with help for our weaknesses, for the problem is that we do not know what we should pray for as we need to, but the spirit itself pleads for us with unuttered groanings.”

You may not have the strength to search for the words to say, but God will always hear you. 

I love you.

Now Breathe.

Come here so that I can wrap my arms around you.

Let me kiss your tears away.

Close your eyes for me…

Our Father in the Heavens…

You are the source of true comfort and you are the hearer of prayer. Please wrap your loving arms around us as we run into your loving embrace. Help us to not hide from our own light. Help us to not abandon our gift of being a blessing, not only to others, but to ourselves. Satan is trying to create shadows that distract us from how bright your light truly is. Please Father hear our prayer. Although our rooms have dark spots, your light still shines because your light is powerful. And by your light we can see light. Guide us in how to be a blessing to ourselves. Help us to let go, be silent, and let you make those shadows disappear. We surrender everything to you father. We trust you.  Act on our behalf father. Thank you for trusting us to be safe in each other’s embrace until you become all things to us all. Please forgive us for falling short of your glory. Search our hearts God. We are trying. Please show us favor. We just want to make your heart rejoice. Never leave us. Never let go of us. We love you because you never stopped loving us. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

I just want to leave this with you. True connections require emotional safety built on love. It is said that love means giving someone the capacity to potentially harm us, yet simultaneously trusting them not to. It is an action that bridges differences and heals wounds, heavily relying on honesty and mutual respect.

Being someone's sunflower means reciprocation, appreciation, and feeling blessed to have that person in our lives. It means planting our roots to find nourishment in each other's soil...never to lack anything ever again because each other was all we ever needed.

Thank you for reading my heart. As I type this, tears are still flowing. No longer from a place of sadness, but from a place of hope. A hope that radiates as bright as the sun as a reminder: To always remember light still remains no matter how dark it gets because I will always have you. My precious sunflower.

Until the next post...

Love,

Courtney CM (Lyric)