A BROKEN RAINBOW KINDA BLUES

         

                                                                 

"These tears do me good, they have watered the parched places, perhaps my heart will grow there again."

Broken glass

Broken jaw

Broken screams

Broken dreams of drowning her denial

in the streams of blood sliding down

to the memories of her child.

Broken.

Like her skin

hiding within the bumps and bruises

of his fist that begins to attach 

itself to the unknown parts she fights so hard to rip apart

Broken trust

Protected from the thrust of undeserving lovers

who lie in wait to conquer her broken love

she recreates as the fruit of her womb

A prepared tomb of skeletons and bones

that are being dismissed as love jones

while tapping her arm to feel that first hit

of the love she once knew.

It's clear to me where her love lies

It's inside of painful scratches on the face she sees when she looks at me,

gnawing her way through my body to set herself free 

I'm shattered now

but I am often found using her tears as glue

to put myself back together again.

She's calm now

Rocking herself to sleep by the sounds of my cries 

as I die outside of her window

She's asleep now

Dreaming of a time when her broken pieces became wings

As she soars high enough to reach God's ears,

She whispers to him about a time when she 

promised to give me the moon

So that I could see her reflection

As a warning to never be broken.

-Courtney CM

It is said that when a rainbow appears while the sun is breaking through dispersing storm clouds, it acts as a reassuring bridge between the physical and spiritual realms, reminding us of the promise that the personal struggles we experience are passing and better days are ahead. 

The glory and peacefulness of the rainbow that appears after the storm mirrors the array of beauty of God upon his throne. On this throne, I bow my head. From his throne, he made an unbreakable promise to me:

"Even after the darkest storms, my light leading to your new beginning will always emerge."

His light led me to see the place where my healed mother lives...

Me standing in my childhood home

212 North Rankin Street was where I was raised to sacrifice my own needs to keep the peace and feel responsible for everyone else's feelings. I was rewarded with a confused belief that I must earn love because I will never be good enough each time I witnessed my dad reward my mom with pain, regardless of how "good" she thought she was to him. I grew up with a scar that made it difficult for me to say no and  caused me to over-give in my romantic and professional relationships. I was forced to accept the truth that my mom created for me because my truth didn't matter. Because my truth felt like an attack. I attracted other emotionally unavailable lovers who broke my heart because they couldn't interpret my love as the precious gift it was.  212 North Rankin Street was where my mother gave me her wounds.

Let me say this first...

The "Mother Wound" is not  always about having a bad mother. A mother wound often forms because a mother was heavily burdened by intergenerational trauma, lacked emotional maturity and tools needed to provide emotional support, and was restricted by societal roles, often times within her community.  When healing made me aware of this wound, I had to stop blaming her and realize that she was a victim as well. Her "mother wound" impacted my development.

His light led me to the place where my healed mother lived...

"And she, the new mother of a daughter, felt a fierceness come over her that seized at her heart, that made her feel as if her bones were turned to steel, as if she could turn herself into a weapon to keep this daughter of hers from having to be hurt by the world outside the ring of her arms."

-Lauren Groff

December 18, 2006 was the day my healed mother and I were born. Hold on, let me break it down for you baby...

When I gave birth to my daughter, I gave birth to myself. The mother of my daughter is the mother I desperately needed. I came to realize that I was mothering myself while mothering my daughter. My daughter became my healer. My daughter was the mirror I needed in order to see my healed mother: ME!

Let me share something with you.  I think my daughter was in elementary school when this happened. Anyway, for whatever reason, I was feeling down. She must have felt something was wrong because she came into my bedroom, sat down beside me, placed her hand on my back, rubbed it softly while singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. This was a song I used to sing to her because it gave her comfort and she wanted to sing it to me to give me comfort. Growing up, I had to comfort myself. I had to make myself feel better, to cheer myself up. So, when my daughter blessed me with her love, I didn't realize it then but I do now. She became the mother to me that I was to her. She became the rainbow that God promised me.

I am still healing from my "Mother Wound." I still find myself getting triggered sometimes, but healing caused me to give myself permission to grieve the nurturing and loving attachment I missed as a child. I surrendered to the process and allowed that connection to be cut. My tears cleansed away those remaining pieces and are still in the process of closing the wound that is bleeding to make me whole. I had to learn how to validate my own emotions, set healthy boundaries to protect my peace, and practice showing myself love and compassion by practicing meditation. Meditation created a safe space for me to be vulnerable, to spend time with God and pour out my heart. To be still and silent to hear God's guidance. To feel his holy spirit surrounding my heart with love.

My affirmation:

I am not afraid to use my voice to speak my truth.

I am continuing the promise I made to love my truth. To wrap my arms around her. To feel her touch because I finally see her worth. I can now hear her calling out for me. Being without her was breaking my heart. I gave the credit that she deserved to others. I gave my love to other people instead of her. My truth fell into the wrong hands and now I see this as being the cause of my heartbreak. I walked away from her as if she was the problem, but I was the problem all along. I hid her and locked her away for people who aren't qualified to walk where she's been. They weren't qualified to handle her at full strength. One glance from her makes them afraid because her smile flashes images of their own secrets. I wasn't immune. I abandoned her. The one person who loved me like a consuming fire that was supposed to protect me from harm. To keep me safe and securely hidden in the shadow of her embrace. But I left the love of my life for crap that should have been flushed down the toilet. But you know what? After all I put her through, she came back to me. She made love to me and we climaxed together in all of our glory. She erupted inside of me like a hurricane and shattered who I was pretending to be. She resurrected me as the woman I was supposed to be. I made a vow to never hide from her again. 

May my affirmation become your affirmation. Reclaim your voice by speaking your truth. Healing takes a lifetime so be kind to yourself. You are not just healing your broken pieces, but pieces that were thrown at you as well. Our rainbow may be a little broken, but our beautiful glory still shines. My rainbow didn't erase the storm. It reminded me that beauty can still exist because of it.

This rainbow appeared after I cried and prayed to God to help ease my broken heart caused by my "Mother Wound"



I love you. Talk to you in the next post!
Love always,
Courtney CM (Lyric)

WILL YOU BE MY SUNFLOWER Kinda Blues

               

                                                                          

Even In The Dark, You're My Light

When the sky is bright and the sun is high,

We lift our heads to the open sky.

We drink the gold and we soak the warm,

Untouched, untamed by a single storm.

But the world turns, and the daylight dies

And shadows bleed through the velvet skies

When the sun retreats and the cold winds blow,

And the brilliant colors begin to go

We do not wither, and we do not part-

We turn to each other with a beating heart.

While others wither in the fading light,

We seek the warmth of our own shared night

With no sun above, and the heavens stark,

We become the beacons in the dark.

So I give you two, so you always know;

We need no sunshine to help us grow.

When the world gets heavy and the way is unclear,

I will always turn to have you near.

Let the daylight fade, let the skies turn gray-

We'll find in each other the break of day.

Through the longest night and the coldest fight,

Even in the dark, you are my light.

-A Sunflower

It is often said that during the day, when the sun shines bright, sunflowers instinctively turn their faces to meet the sun's warmth. They follow its movements across the sky like a lover chasing after it for just one more kiss...then another...and another, soaking up each one.

But...

As the night fades and the sun gives them its last kiss goodbye before disappearing behind the moon, something beautiful happens. The sunflowers don't wither or close in sadness. Instead, in the quiet embrace of the night, they slowly and softly turn to face each other. Why? Because they find light in one another. They align themselves to their shared presence, finding warmth and safety in each other's embrace.

This quiet embrace of turning towards each other provides a quiet sanctuary that shields them from external chaos, yielding to the power of understanding and validation of their own feelings without relying on others. Making it safe enough to maintain a strong sense of self in the absence of the sun. You see, the sun is the physical manifestation of God's spirit. Its rays provide the sunflower light, strength, and comfort. When the sun disappears, the sunflowers become each other's "sun".  

This morning, I woke up to gray skies. Not just the clouds in the sky but my spirit felt heavy…

I couldn’t find my sun. I misplaced it. I felt like it was forever lost. I opened my blinds to see where it was but I couldn’t see her. I couldn’t feel her. So I went to the one place I knew she would be. I placed my favorite tapestry on the floor in  our favorite spot. I lit our favorite incense and as the rose scented smoke rose up into the darkness of the room, I collapsed down on my knees, closed my eyes and cried out to the one place she always runs to: Heaven…

She was in the loving embrace of our loving father. Sitting patiently by his side until he makes sure it is safe for her to come back out. But I needed her now. Not when dawn comes. I cried and I cried…and cried some more. I didn’t have the words to say, but I allowed my tears to speak for me.The tears gently slid down my cheeks, comforting me…helping me to remember how warm she felt.  As I continued to cry out in prayer, I suddenly saw her glow swallowing up the darkness behind my closed eyes. She came back to me.  God’s spirit came back to me. 

You know what’s funny?! 

I knew the sun never leaves the sky. I knew this already. She just retreats to be comforted, loved, cherished, and strengthened, and empowered  by her Creator. Then, when her power is made whole, she returns back to her throne to gently shine the healing power of God’s spirit all over my body…

To give me the same gift that God gave her. She became my sunflower. I became your sunflower. You became our sunflower. God may have gifted her to the world but you know what else? He gifted us, as in you and I, to each other. To gently face each other. To come home to each other, safe from the darkness of the world. To hold each other as we both breathe in God’s light, love, and strength to fight the darkness that surrounds us. We are a living manifestation of the promises he whispered as his spirit traveled throughout the earth creating every mountain, river, and valley. He whispered our names in the roots of each tree, so the memories of us bloom. That’s what I see when I look into your eyes. I see the prayers I whispered. I see love, strength, grace…power. I see God in you. I see a sanctuary to run to when the world beats me down. I see love in its purest form. I see a heart that longs to feel its own embrace because it sacrifices it for others. Just wanting to feel the love back that it gives. I can be this for you and so much more. So will you be my sunflower?

I know you are going through so much right now. I also know how hard it is for you to pray for your sun to shine. Just remember “the spirit also joins in with help for our weaknesses, for the problem is that we do not know what we should pray for as we need to, but the spirit itself pleads for us with unuttered groanings.”

You may not have the strength to search for the words to say, but God will always hear you. 

I love you.

Now Breathe.

Come here so that I can wrap my arms around you.

Let me kiss your tears away.

Close your eyes for me…

Our Father in the Heavens…

You are the source of true comfort and you are the hearer of prayer. Please wrap your loving arms around us as we run into your loving embrace. Help us to not hide from our own light. Help us to not abandon our gift of being a blessing, not only to others, but to ourselves. Satan is trying to create shadows that distract us from how bright your light truly is. Please Father hear our prayer. Although our rooms have dark spots, your light still shines because your light is powerful. And by your light we can see light. Guide us in how to be a blessing to ourselves. Help us to let go, be silent, and let you make those shadows disappear. We surrender everything to you father. We trust you.  Act on our behalf father. Thank you for trusting us to be safe in each other’s embrace until you become all things to us all. Please forgive us for falling short of your glory. Search our hearts God. We are trying. Please show us favor. We just want to make your heart rejoice. Never leave us. Never let go of us. We love you because you never stopped loving us. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

I just want to leave this with you. True connections require emotional safety built on love. It is said that love means giving someone the capacity to potentially harm us, yet simultaneously trusting them not to. It is an action that bridges differences and heals wounds, heavily relying on honesty and mutual respect.

Being someone's sunflower means reciprocation, appreciation, and feeling blessed to have that person in our lives. It means planting our roots to find nourishment in each other's soil...never to lack anything ever again because each other was all we ever needed.

Thank you for reading my heart. As I type this, tears are still flowing. No longer from a place of sadness, but from a place of hope. A hope that radiates as bright as the sun as a reminder: To always remember light still remains no matter how dark it gets because I will always have you. My precious sunflower.

Until the next post...

Love,

Courtney CM (Lyric)

HIDDEN VERSE: A CONVERSATION BETWEEN LOVERS

 

                                                         

HIDDEN VERSE

Chapter One

The joy of holding you in my arms travels to every line on your body

My hands read you from left to right

Your body is so poetic, every curve is a verse

Scanning it for clues for my next move

Your skin feels like the rhythm to my blues as I paint hues

of invisible notes that dance to the tapestry of my beats

mimicking your moans flowing like incense

I see its fire in your eyes and I'm ready to play with it

Eyes that write words of ancestral vibrations that awaken

the heartbeat between my thighs with sighs from your hands

that carry church pews and front porches

Baby do you hear that?

Our moans sound so beautiful together

layering on top of each other like a Bible verse to a hymn

As we tap together on rotten floor boards

resurrecting prayers that were whispered through chains

causing stains of where our bodies took ownership of freedom

Chapter Two...

Feels even better

Baby do you feel that?

Yeah...

That's my tongue punctuating your nipple as it expresses 

my complete thought of turning my love into a verb

that compounds our two bodies into a climax.

It feels good each time I touch the softness of your body

I forget space and time as you ride me with a new image of space

within our time in this bed of ours

Hours made with glass reflects your ass

as they repeat the seconds of innocence that bastard

stole from me

Flip over baby

Let's write a new verse from the rhythm of my favorite hymn

You know the one

That Amazing Grace that saved a wretch like me 

when I was lost

Drowning in the blood from fighting to save myself

And then I saw you baby

I saw you as the cuts my grandmother used to kiss to make better

As she moaned about how lost I was

But now I found a new chapter in you

A chapter that you are still writing within me

Sharpening this period in time to pierce through

this life to combine it with yours and like a comma,

It kisses my page as a promise to be a blessing 

One touch from you surrounds us with a cloud

to soften the blow from falling victim to the shattered glass

that made our church a home

My promise to you is to heal those broken pieces and make them strong enough to feel the God in them

And as our tongues call these pieces to cum forth,

let's surrender to the overflow and heal...

Us...

Together.

Chapter Three

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-A poem by me (Courtney "Lyric"CM)

There's a quote that says, "Every heart sings a song, incomplete until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet."

 

Have you seen the movie Brown Sugar, starring Taye Diggs and Sanaa Lathan? There was a scene when Sidney Shaw was asked, "So Sid, when did you fall in love with hip hop?" I feel like I am a part of this scene every time someone asks me about my poetry. Okay...

I know what you are thinking. Let me just go on and save you the trouble. So Court, when did you fall in love with poetry? That's what you want to know right? Well, if you promise to be quiet, I'll let you peek in the room while I do a little pillow talking with her. Deal??

Okay, now hush and follow me. Hide in here. Hurry up because she's coming up the stairs. Comfortable? Good...now listen...

Poetry: Hmmm, that poem feels good to me baby. I can feel your love for me through every word. Do you remember the first time we touched?

Me: I will never forget that day baby. Holding you in my arms felt like home to me. I didn't realize how much I needed you until that moment when Ms. Sara introduced us. You remember her right? She was the librarian who always seemed like she swallowed a glass of sunshine.

Poetry: Oh yeah, I remember her. She used to visit me a lot. She even said that I was her favorite. Did she ever tell you why she wanted us to meet?

"For each of us as women, there is a dark place within, where hidden and growing our true spirit rises. These places of possibility within ourselves are dark because they are ancient and hidden; they have survived and grown strong through that darkness."

-Audre Lorde

Me: Yes she did. She said that I was looking sad and wanted me to meet you because you always had the words to make her feel better.

Poetry: Awww baby! Why were you sad? Wait, look at me. You are safe with me. Talk to me please.

Me: I felt like I was the only one in the world. I felt like no one cared about my feelings. I felt like they didn't even notice me. I felt invisible. Things happened to me. I saw things. Bad things. I didn't feel safe to speak about them.

"Within these deep places, each one of us holds an incredible reserve of creativity and power, of unexamined and unrecorded emotion and feeling." -Audre Lorde

Me: Until I met you. I saw myself in your eyes. You became the rhythm to my blues.

Poetry: My precious Lyric. Do you remember when I gave you that nickname?

Me: Of course! I remember that night like it was yesterday. It was the night I came running to you after you know who tried to force himself on me. You wrapped your words around my tears as they fell on the blank page of my diary. I fell deeper in love with you that night. We made magic together. You gave my heart a new song. Our song. Hidden between the sheets of each letter.

"Our feelings were not meant to survive. We have hidden that fact in the same place where we have hidden our power. They surface in our dreams, and it is our dreams that point the way to freedom."

                      -Audre Lorde

Me: You became my mistress, my lover, my heart in word form. I whispered my secrets to you and you hid them behind your love. Your touch became my dreams. I craved falling asleep because I needed a moment to taste you. To taste freedom.

"Those dreams are made realizable through our poems that give us the strength and courage to see, to feel, to speak, and to dare.

              -Audre Lorde

Poetry: Baby, are you saying I heal you? Do I really make you feel safe with me?

Me: Lol, yes! Why is that so hard to believe?

Poetry: Because I never heard you say that out loud before. It was always understood but never spoken. You make me feel so needed. So, you know, wanted.

Me: I will always choose you baby. I promised to go through life with you, remember? I met you for a minute but fell in love with you for a lifetime. We are locked in for eternity. When I take my last breath, I will still hold you inside of me. Now, lay back and get comfortable while I go make us a snack. I love you baby.

Poetry: I love you too my precious Lyric

"Poetry is not a luxury. It is a vital necessity of our existence."

                                       -Audre Lorde

Psss...

Come on out! Were you able to hear our conversation? Good. Do me a favor. I need you to remember who you were before they broke your heart. Find something that brings you joy, hold hands with it, and skip together on the path pointing to the paved road found on Healing street. Yeah, I know it sounds corny but I need you to feel me on this one. 

I didn't find poetry. She found me and she has been kissing me with joy ever since. Why do I love her so much? Because "the power in a poem is how not answering becomes a depth of listening. How absence becomes an audience. The possibility that a person can still tell her truth even if it seems like there is no one around to receive it."

There was no one around to receive my truth. She saw my heart and gave it value. She is healing my spirit with each passing day. May whatever brings you joy quench your thirst with the healing water of divine spirit. May it finally give you a peaceful rest and protect you from the burning missiles of this world. The world may have bruised you but will not succeed in destroying you. I know you are scared. But the power belongs to you. Take it back. Take it back now by telling your truth, even when no one is listening. Even when you think no one cares. Sometimes, when we think no one is listening...

someone could be on the other side of the world reading their verse hidden behind your words. I love you! Now breathe and go chase joy in your hidden verse. Talk to you in the next post!

        Love,

Courtney CM (forever known as Lyric)

Kick it with me:

Instagram: @vintagewithsoul_

Threads: Courtney CM (Vintagewithsoul_)

Email: Lyricsoul12@gmail.com

I FELT GOD IN HER ...TYPE OF BLUES

                                                               

"When I touched her body

I believed she was god

In the curves of her form

I found the birth of man

The creation of the world."

Our curvaceous stature was created on purpose. We were built to hold the entire universe around our bodies as a garment. The Divine One placed it there, not as a burden, but as an adornment that illuminates the silhouette of our heavenly form.

Before I get down to business, let's bless this moment we have together with a prayer:

My Precious and Merciful God...

Today, I ask for and open my heart to receive a new image of myself.  I recognize that in your eyes I am perfect as I am. I understand that if there is anything about my body that I choose to change, you have empowered me to do so. I have the power of free will. I have the power of choice. Today, I am choosing to change how I see myself, change how I speak to myself, and change how I allow access to me because you made me sacred. I'm choosing to see myself as you see me. I am choosing to surrender under your mighty and loving embrace. I ask that you release all negative, toxic, and unloving thoughts and feelings about my body and help me to accept myself as your beautiful creation. If there is anything within me that is not pleasing to you, I ask that it be lifted. I ask that all habitual, unconscious thoughts, beliefs, and memories about my body be brought into alignment with your thoughts, beliefs, and plans for me. I ask for strength and courage to make any changes that are required so that I will accept, honor, and love myself as you do.

Amen. 

(Feel free to end this prayer based on your individual faith and beliefs)

Now...

Let's handle business baby. I won't keep you long. I just want to spend a little time with you. I want to make this space safe for us to be vulnerable with each other. 

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "Vulnerability" as the state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

But...

According to the Dictionary of Courtney CM, "Vulnerability" is defined as the acceptance to honor oneself. The permission to become naked in front of the staring eyes of others to reclaim our value. The recognition of how worthy and human we are.

You like mine better don't you? I know baby...I know!

In the beautiful words of Gwendolyn Brooks, "We are each other's harvest. We are each other's business. We are each other's magnitude and bond." 

I told you in the previous post about how locked in we are. And...

 I stand in everything I say. You are my business. I got you. So...

let's get naked.

Before we were conceived, God carefully crafted our bodies...every single curve. Then, when he was satisfied with his work, he brought us forth as a living manifestation of his glory. He saw how beautiful we were and gave us as a gift to himself. The sun looked into our eyes and saw God. So why is the world treating us like we are the image of Satan?

"The discomfort others feel in the presence of a powerful Black woman is not her burden to bear. It is a reflection of their own biases and the fragility of the systems they uphold."

-Dominic Praise

I was reminded during meditation how we, as women of African descent, mirror God's creation, especially trees. We both stay grounded through any storm. We connect with our roots. We turn over a new leaf. We bend to hear God before we break. We enjoy each other's natural beauty. Most importantly, we keep growing. There is nothing on this earth strong enough to break us. 

This is what they fear. They fear the power you carry. They see how miraculously you were made and they will do anything to gain access. There's an African proverb that says, "If thou seeketh to obtain by force what our Lord did not give thee, thou wilt not get it."

Hold on, let me take my shoes off for what I am about to say. Society, you know what...scratch that: MEN in this nation have been a threat to our bodies for centuries. We have heard countless stories about the abuse, disrespect, and murder of our beautiful woman based on the false narrative of divine entitlement that these brothas adopted to live by. They live by this creed so firmly that our bodies were forced to carry ancestral pain, heartache, and trauma. It paralyzes our spirit to limit our power. Let's talk about the first attack, shall we?!

Saartjie (Sara) Baartman

1789-1815

Saartjie was one of the first victims of human sexual trafficking. Because of the diabolical and savaged fascination with her body, she was publicly exposed and traumatically examined throughout her life. Because of her inability to read, she was deceived in signing a contract that required her to travel to work as a domestic servant, as well as become an exhibition for entertainment. She was to receive a portion of the earnings and would be allowed to return back to South Africa after 5 years. As you may have guessed...

The terms of that contract that was told to her was indeed false, A FLAT OUT LIE!! And she remained enslaved for the remainder of her life. She was put on display and permission was given for her to be sexually abused by patrons who were willing to pay. The defilement of her body took a more evil identity after her death. Many of her body parts went on display to support the racist theories about the bodies of our African ancestry.

"What the Lord did not give thee, thou wilt not get it"

In 1994, Nelson Mandela requested that her remains be returned to South Africa. On March 6, 2002, her remains were returned and buried. How she was treated stands up and is screaming at us to pay attention. Her legacy of pain is a chain  that has links that extend down to our bodies and handcuffs itself to us. Those savages exploited her. They raped her. Her body remembered her pain, but God promised that his spirit will come back for vengeance. What they tried to take, they could not have.

NEXT ATTACK...

"I will eat the last signs of my weakness, remove the scars of old childhood wars and dare to enter the forest whistling we believe her" -Audre Lorde

When I was about 10 years old, I used to visit my dad on the weekends. His neighborhood was jumping baby! It seemed like every Saturday Ms. Mildred, who lived two houses down, was having a cookout at her house. The Blues were playing, catfish was frying, spades were being played, gossip about who was sleeping with who was spreading faster than Ms. Linda's hips as she danced in the backyard. All of my dad's neighbors were super cool, so I thought. 

Zora Neale Hurston once said that "if you are silent about your pain, they'll kill you and say you enjoyed it." 

I have been silent long enough, now it's my turn to do the killing.

During one of these backyard congregation meetings, I left Ms. Mildred's house and skipped back to my dad's house because I needed to use the bathroom. There was a neighbor sitting on his front porch. He asked me if I was coming from Ms. Mildred's and I said yes. He asked me if I could take something to her and I said sure. So, my innocent little self, not realizing the danger, went over to his house. We went inside, he locked the door behind us, and he led me to the sofa. He wasted no time. He tried to force himself on me. He pulled down my pants and panties and tried to enter inside of me. God protected me that day because he gave me enough strength to push him off and run out of the door. 

Hush money: A form of currency given for the sole purpose of gaining more control. A payment created to give an illusion, sometimes laced with a false narrative, of submission in order to quiet the uproars of the victims. 

-Courtney CM 

As I ran out the door, he paid for my tears with these words: "Don't even bother telling on me. They won't believe you. All you kids do is lie anyway."

So I didn't. I didn't tell anyone...until now. 

"What our Lord did not give thee, thou wilt not get."  

I now realize that "my silence had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you. But for every real word spoken, for every attempt I had ever made to speak those truths for which I am still seeking, I had made contact with other women while we examined the words to fit a world in which we all believed, bridging our differences."  

Brandi comes to mind when I think about this. She shared her experience in her book. This man preyed on her to complete his conquest of claiming her body. Like the true colonizer he is, he came across God's territory, stripped her of her innocence, and claimed her as his own. But now, she evicted him, removed his belongings, and has taken complete control over her land.

"What our Lord did not give thee, thou wilt not get it." 

An estimated 8 out of 10 Black women have experienced some form of trauma. This includes: intergenerational trauma, childhood trauma, abusive relationships, pregnancy trauma, the list goes on. So where do we go from here? How do we heal?

Healing starts with permission:

The permission to feel 

The permission to exist

The permission to rest

The permission to say no

The permission to love yourself

The permission to cry

The permission to stop taking accountability for others

Do me a favor: Take a moment, right after you read this post, and give yourself permission by: 

Closing your eyes

Place one hand on your heart and the other hand on your stomach. 

Take a slow deep breath in for 4 seconds. 

Hold it for 4 seconds

Exhale slowly for 6 seconds.

Imagine whatever you are carrying is being carried away in your exhale.

Then breathe normally

Sit in this moment for a few minutes.

Allow your heart to speak in the silence by the rhythm of your breathing.  

My prayer is that you will finally feel God when you touch your body. In the curves of your form, you will find the birth of man, the creation of the world. You are beautiful. You are safe. You are powerful and I fall in love with all of you each day. Do you want to know why? Because I feel God in you.

"Any world which did not have a place for me loving women was not a world in which I wanted to live, nor which I could fight for." -Audre Lorde 

I'm proud of you. I am here to serve you as you heal. Just holla and I will come running. I love you beautiful Black woman. Talk to you in the next post!

Love,

Courtney CM (Lyric)

Find me: Instagram/Threads: @vintagewithsoul_

Email: Vintagewithsoul12@gmail.com

If you would like to meditate with me, just send me an email.