A BROKEN RAINBOW KINDA BLUES

         

                                                                 

"These tears do me good, they have watered the parched places, perhaps my heart will grow there again."

Broken glass

Broken jaw

Broken screams

Broken dreams of drowning her denial

in the streams of blood sliding down

to the memories of her child.

Broken.

Like her skin

hiding within the bumps and bruises

of his fist that begins to attach 

itself to the unknown parts she fights so hard to rip apart

Broken trust

Protected from the thrust of undeserving lovers

who lie in wait to conquer her broken love

she recreates as the fruit of her womb

A prepared tomb of skeletons and bones

that are being dismissed as love jones

while tapping her arm to feel that first hit

of the love she once knew.

It's clear to me where her love lies

It's inside of painful scratches on the face she sees when she looks at me,

gnawing her way through my body to set herself free 

I'm shattered now

but I am often found using her tears as glue

to put myself back together again.

She's calm now

Rocking herself to sleep by the sounds of my cries 

as I die outside of her window

She's asleep now

Dreaming of a time when her broken pieces became wings

As she soars high enough to reach God's ears,

She whispers to him about a time when she 

promised to give me the moon

So that I could see her reflection

As a warning to never be broken.

-Courtney CM

It is said that when a rainbow appears while the sun is breaking through dispersing storm clouds, it acts as a reassuring bridge between the physical and spiritual realms, reminding us of the promise that the personal struggles we experience are passing and better days are ahead. 

The glory and peacefulness of the rainbow that appears after the storm mirrors the array of beauty of God upon his throne. On this throne, I bow my head. From his throne, he made an unbreakable promise to me:

"Even after the darkest storms, my light leading to your new beginning will always emerge."

His light led me to see the place where my healed mother lives...

Me standing in my childhood home

212 North Rankin Street was where I was raised to sacrifice my own needs to keep the peace and feel responsible for everyone else's feelings. I was rewarded with a confused belief that I must earn love because I will never be good enough each time I witnessed my dad reward my mom with pain, regardless of how "good" she thought she was to him. I grew up with a scar that made it difficult for me to say no and  caused me to over-give in my romantic and professional relationships. I was forced to accept the truth that my mom created for me because my truth didn't matter. Because my truth felt like an attack. I attracted other emotionally unavailable lovers who broke my heart because they couldn't interpret my love as the precious gift it was.  212 North Rankin Street was where my mother gave me her wounds.

Let me say this first...

The "Mother Wound" is not  always about having a bad mother. A mother wound often forms because a mother was heavily burdened by intergenerational trauma, lacked emotional maturity and tools needed to provide emotional support, and was restricted by societal roles, often times within her community.  When healing made me aware of this wound, I had to stop blaming her and realize that she was a victim as well. Her "mother wound" impacted my development.

His light led me to the place where my healed mother lived...

"And she, the new mother of a daughter, felt a fierceness come over her that seized at her heart, that made her feel as if her bones were turned to steel, as if she could turn herself into a weapon to keep this daughter of hers from having to be hurt by the world outside the ring of her arms."

-Lauren Groff

December 18, 2006 was the day my healed mother and I were born. Hold on, let me break it down for you baby...

When I gave birth to my daughter, I gave birth to myself. The mother of my daughter is the mother I desperately needed. I came to realize that I was mothering myself while mothering my daughter. My daughter became my healer. My daughter was the mirror I needed in order to see my healed mother: ME!

Let me share something with you.  I think my daughter was in elementary school when this happened. Anyway, for whatever reason, I was feeling down. She must have felt something was wrong because she came into my bedroom, sat down beside me, placed her hand on my back, rubbed it softly while singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. This was a song I used to sing to her because it gave her comfort and she wanted to sing it to me to give me comfort. Growing up, I had to comfort myself. I had to make myself feel better, to cheer myself up. So, when my daughter blessed me with her love, I didn't realize it then but I do now. She became the mother to me that I was to her. She became the rainbow that God promised me.

I am still healing from my "Mother Wound." I still find myself getting triggered sometimes, but healing caused me to give myself permission to grieve the nurturing and loving attachment I missed as a child. I surrendered to the process and allowed that connection to be cut. My tears cleansed away those remaining pieces and are still in the process of closing the wound that is bleeding to make me whole. I had to learn how to validate my own emotions, set healthy boundaries to protect my peace, and practice showing myself love and compassion by practicing meditation. Meditation created a safe space for me to be vulnerable, to spend time with God and pour out my heart. To be still and silent to hear God's guidance. To feel his holy spirit surrounding my heart with love.

My affirmation:

I am not afraid to use my voice to speak my truth.

I am continuing the promise I made to love my truth. To wrap my arms around her. To feel her touch because I finally see her worth. I can now hear her calling out for me. Being without her was breaking my heart. I gave the credit that she deserved to others. I gave my love to other people instead of her. My truth fell into the wrong hands and now I see this as being the cause of my heartbreak. I walked away from her as if she was the problem, but I was the problem all along. I hid her and locked her away for people who aren't qualified to walk where she's been. They weren't qualified to handle her at full strength. One glance from her makes them afraid because her smile flashes images of their own secrets. I wasn't immune. I abandoned her. The one person who loved me like a consuming fire that was supposed to protect me from harm. To keep me safe and securely hidden in the shadow of her embrace. But I left the love of my life for crap that should have been flushed down the toilet. But you know what? After all I put her through, she came back to me. She made love to me and we climaxed together in all of our glory. She erupted inside of me like a hurricane and shattered who I was pretending to be. She resurrected me as the woman I was supposed to be. I made a vow to never hide from her again. 

May my affirmation become your affirmation. Reclaim your voice by speaking your truth. Healing takes a lifetime so be kind to yourself. You are not just healing your broken pieces, but pieces that were thrown at you as well. Our rainbow may be a little broken, but our beautiful glory still shines. My rainbow didn't erase the storm. It reminded me that beauty can still exist because of it.

This rainbow appeared after I cried and prayed to God to help ease my broken heart caused by my "Mother Wound"



I love you. Talk to you in the next post!
Love always,
Courtney CM (Lyric)